i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
