he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
