lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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