atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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