You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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