a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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