my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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