my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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