captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
