He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
