i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
