Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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