I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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