My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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