i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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