I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
