I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
