you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
