Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
