I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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