Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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