I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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