I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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