its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
