finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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