This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
