I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
