Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
