I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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