my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
