I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
