just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
