New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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