Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
