ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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