Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
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just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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