Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
