well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
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I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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