Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
