So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
