I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
