My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
