She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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