why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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