Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
