Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
