it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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