all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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