Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
