it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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