You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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