He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
