I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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