she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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