Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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