I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
