fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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