i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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