Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
